Couples communication can be exhausting. Don’t let misunderstandings put your relationship in cardiac arrest.
You bring up something simple in a conversation and next thing you know there’s a huge explosion and everybody’s upset.
Even when you see an argument coming and try to avoid it you still end up stuck in that same negative cycle of attack and defend.
You are not alone! It happened to me early in my marriage.
Unhealthy couples communication can put your marriage on life support.
On my first wedding anniversary, I took my wife to the KMart deli! Why? We had a huge fight.
I asked her where she wanted to go and she said that she didn’t care. I told her that I would take her anywhere, and she still said she didn’t care. I was so mad I couldn’t see straight!
Sooo…to teach her a lesson I took her to the KMart deli and put my relationship on life support.
What an idiot! Who does that? Why couldn’t we have a civil conversation and just pick a restaurant?
I needed CPR for my relationship!
How can I stop arguing and have good communication?
Simply follow the 4C’s of Communication CPR:
Step 1: Cue into signs of relationship distress.
Knowing when to use couples CPR is the first critical step.
It’s like using the Heimlich maneuver for someone that is choking. You see someone choking in a restaurant it looks like they can’t breathe so you rush over there and save their life. But if you ever had those moments where you thought somebody might be choking but you’re not sure if they really cannot breathe. If you do the Heimlich maneuver and they’re not choking is that assault?
So how do you know when to use a couple CPR?
By understanding cues both in yourself and your partner, you’ll know exactly when to take this relationship saving measure.
It starts with understanding what’s happening with you internally. There are four areas of cues that you need to understand and be able to recognize in yourself and your partner.
Physical cues are things that happened to your body that you do not control. Think about things like heart rate, feeling flushed, or nervous tics are just a few of the common physical cues.
Behavioral cues are things that you do or act out that you can control. With behavioral cues, you’re looking at things like talking loud, hand and arm gestures or standing up and moving closer. These cues are all things that you would see if you were watching a movie about the situation.
Emotional cues are feelings that you have on the inside. These cues can usually be described in one-word answers about how you feel at the moment. Anger is a common emotional cue that I hear, but be careful, there are often emotions deeper down that are driving anger. These emotions may be feeling disrespected, ignored, belittled, worthless, or frustrated.
Cognitive cues are the thoughts that you’re telling yourself about the other person or the situation in your head. These cues help us put the situation into perspective. Examples of cognitive cues are telling yourself that the other person doesn’t care or that you always argue.
Action: Take a few minutes and jot down on a piece of paper the cues that you have seen in yourself. Try to identify several cues in each category.
Now that you are aware of these cues it will be easier to identify the cues in your conversation with your spouse.
Next, measure the intensity of the cues. On a scale of 1-10, how intensely are you experiencing these cues? Once the cues exceed a 5+, it is time to take the next step in couples CPR to take action to break the cycle of unhealthy communication.
Step 2: Commit to a time-out
So you recognize the cues that the conversation is beginning to escalate and end up in a huge blow up or fight that neither you or your spouse wants to go through in your relationship. Now that you’re able to recognize those cues how do you short circuit the explosion?
One of the most effective ways of restoring calm and peace in couples communications is a time out. However, it has to be done in the right way to be effective.
If you simply walk away when you feel upset at your spouse they will probably feel abandoned and disrespected. Usually, one of two things happens at that moment. Either they follow you wherever you go and continue the disagreement or they pull back from you and refuse to talk to you once you are ready to reengage.
It will be most effective when you follow the specific formula below:
Tell your partner you’re starting to feel overwhelmed in the conversation.
Explain to them that you will be taking a short 15-minute break from the conversation, that this discussion is important to you, and you return immediately after the time out.
You must give your partner a specific time that you were coming back, and that you return at that time. If you find that you need additional time, simply go back to your partner, tell them you need to extend the time out and give them the new time when you return.
Understand that your partner will not be excited about you taking a time out. They want to finish the conversation! It is okay if they still seem upset when you ask for a time out.
Action: Discuss your time out plan together as a couple so that both of you have agreed on what that will look like, what you will say, and where you will go during the time out.
Now that you have a little distance from the situation, it’s time to take action in de-escalating your cues and returning you to a healthy frame of mind before you reengage with your spouse.
Step 3: Calm down
To de-escalate effectively you need to have a plan already in place. It could be nearly impossible to come up with a plan when we’re feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or angry.
Your plan could be something as simple as walking outside and taking a few deep breaths. Another option would be calling a friend, playing with the dog, doing a chore around the house, or practicing meditation.
There is no particular right answer. Try several different things and see what works for you as an individual. If you have techniques you’ve used in the past that were successful, add them to your plan.
Before you go onto the next step, you will need to ensure that you have sufficiently de-escalated yourself so that you can positively reengage with your spouse? Do a quick scan of your mind and body, paying attention to the intensity of your thoughts and emotions. On a scale of 1 to 10, we want you to be a one or two at this point.
Action: Write down 3 to 5 things that you can do when you take a time out that will help you calm down so that you can re-engage healthily.
Step 4: Connect again
So you take a time out and calm down. Now it’s time to find your partner and reengage. How you choose to engage with your partner is just as important as how you disengaged to take the time out.
Sometimes you may feel that the issue you were arguing over wasn’t that important, and to rengage would only start a fight. Don’t give in to the tendency to just let it go at this point. You promised your partner that you would reengage and you need to keep your promise.
If you are the one that called a timeout it is your responsibility to reengage. Find your spouse and ask them if they are ready to continue the discussion. If they want to take time out or need more time that’s OK. If they are ready to reengage there’s one more important thing to do before you pick up the conversation.
Starting in the best frame of mind will give you the best results. If you are the spouse that called a timeout, be sure to tell your partner how much you appreciate them taking the time out and giving you the space to calm down. If you are the spouse that was waiting, tell your partner how much you appreciate them returning and re-engaging so that you can finish the conversation.
Beginning the new conversation showing appreciation and gratitude to each other softens the overall mood and increases the chances of the re-engagement being an overall positive experience.
Action: discuss with your spouse what each of you would say when you re-engage. What means the most to each of you and would help soften the mood.
Now it’s time to go live with a couple of CPR in your relationship!
It’s best to practice this skill several times before you need to use it in real-time. Do you want to develop some mental muscle memory so that these actions will be automatic?
Spend a few minutes talking about what you see in yourself or in your partner that seems to show the conversation is escalating in an unhealthy way. Discuss how each of you would like to call a timeout and what your plan for coming down would be during the time out. Last, discuss what your engagement plan will be and practice saying the words to each other.
The process of couples CPR is simple and easy to understand, but it is often difficult to implement. It takes practice! Commit to sit down with your spouse today and discuss this plan so you’ll be able to use it when you need it.
I believe in you and I know you can do it!
Eric Beasley
