Control Anger in Relationships

How to Calm Down and Talk With Respect.

Anger kills love.

From my seven years of experience in teaching anger management, I can tell you that anger is the fastest way to destroy a relationship. Your relationship is going well and you’re just having a normal conversation when all of a sudden anger explodes out of nowhere and destroys everything in its path.

It happens to all of us.

Even healthy relationships have moments of anger that can be the love and safety in a loving committed relationship.

And you know what? If you don’t deal with it it only gets worse.

Controlling your anger in a relationship is a key skill to having healthy communication and resolving issues in the relationship.

The statistics don’t sound that bad until you think about five of your closest friends, one of whom has probably ended a relationship because of how they behaved when they were angry.

There’s a strong correlation between anger and violence, which makes it critical in a healthy relationship that anger is controlled and violence is prevented.

I’ve worked with hundreds of men and women to teach them how to control their anger. I started out teaching anger management classes in the local county jail where it seemed that everybody In the facility was angry and aggressive. I’ve also worked with couples to address Anger in the relationship and individuals who have been the victims of domestic violence.

Trust me, you can control anger in your relationship, and I am going to show you exactly how.

I’m gonna give you a specific step-by-step formula to control anger in a relationship that creates an environment where love and safety can thrive.

The breakdown of what we will cover:

What is anger?
Is anger healthy in a relationship?
What are the signs of a toxic relationship?
How do I control my temper in my relationship?
How can I get help if I can’t do it on my own?

Let’s get started.

What is Anger?

Understanding Anger is key to controlling anger.

There are many different definitions of anger, depending on the context and perceptions of the person defining this emotion.

According to the American Psychological Association, “Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. “

The mayo clinic had a more concise definition of anger which is, “a natural response to perceived threats.”

But wait, my spouse sees me as a threat when they get angry? That doesn’t make any sense, considering that we’ve exchanged vows and a commitment to love and honor each other in the relationship.

In short, our mind does not always differentiate between an emotional threat and a physical threat. Couples often react in anger when they feel unloved, unheard, abandoned, disrespected for example.

That doesn’t mean that you are a threat to your spouse every time they get angry.

They can perceive a threat even when no threat is present. This can happen for several reasons including history and an insecure attachment.

To understand why something is perceived as a threat in a relationship you need first to understand the different types of anger.

3 Type of Anger

There are three primary types of anger which are characterized by the response a person has to a perceived threat.

Aggressive anger: The most damaging type of anger is aggressive or open anger.

UNHEALTHY RESPONSE: This type of anger often includes physical or verbal aggression and can lead to hurting themselves or others. Examples of this type of anger can include fighting, shouting, bullying, sarcasm, and criticism. Anger of this type often stems from the fight or flight response to a situation.

Passive Anger: The most subtle form of anger is passive anger.

UNHEALTHY RESPONSE: This type of anger avoids confrontation which is why it is called passive anger. This passive anger often includes being given silent treatment, sulking, stonewalling, shining, and procrastinating. This form of anger is often a reaction by the person who is angry to regain control in a situation without being openly aggressive.

Assertive Anger: Assertive anger is the healthy version of anger in relationships.

HEALTHY RESPONSE: This type of anger produces thoughtful and respectful conversation Without escalation. I sort of anger comes from feeling wrong by another person, but the reaction to the perceived wrong is to communicate with the other person using words instead of actions or unhealthy reactions.

You have probably seen all three types of anger in your past relationships and had varying degrees of success in dealing with anger.

Now that you understand what anger is, it’s time to take a look at anger and your relationship.

Is Anger Healthy in a Relationship?

Yes … and no.

Before you stop reading, let me explain.

If anger in your relationship is assertive anger then it would lead to healthy communication and a loving respectful relationship.

If the anger in your relationship is aggressive or passive, then it is destructive to your relationship and unhealthy.

So, you must understand what type of anger you’re dealing with in your relationship.

What Are the Signs of Toxic Anger

Toxic anger places the needs of one person over another.

That is a pretty general statement, and it provides a guiding principle to use and recognize anger that is toxic in ourselves and others.

Next, here is a list that will help you identify anger in yourself:

Your anger is an overreaction to the situation.
You keep talking in circles without moving forward in the conversation.
You continually blame other people.
It is difficult for you to express emotions other than anger.
Do you believe anger and intimidation can earn your respect and get you what you want?
People feel like they walk on eggshells around you.
Doing things when you’re angry that you regret later.

Below is a list to help you identify anger in others:

Yelling or screaming.
Verbal abuse.
Throwing items or hitting things.
Physical violence towards others
Threats of violence against others.
Involvement of law enforcement or social services.
Destruction of property.

When you see this type of anger in yourself or your spouse it is time to take action to control and resolve your anger.

There’s a tendency in people to overestimate their abilities and this is no different when it comes to anger control. When we’re not activated and life is calm it seems so easy to control anger and not get upset about the little things in life.

However, just like the Incredible Hulk, anger can get out of control quickly and lead to tragic consequences.

Let’s take a look at what it takes to control anger.

Controlling Anger in Your Relationship

Failing to plan is planning to fail.

If you wanna truly master your anger you have to have a strategy in place that not only addresses anger at the moment but also prevents anger in the future.

In working with anger in relationships for the last seven years, I have developed a four-step process that will help you manage and prevent aggressive and passive anger in your relationship.

Here’s an overview of the S.T.O.P. anger process:

Step 1: See the signs of anger

Step 2: Take immediate action

Step 3: Own your anger

Step 4: Plan for the future

The process of stopping anger in your relationship is easy, but implement it takes effort and consistency. The process is the same whether you are the person getting angry or the person on the receiving end of the anger.

Let’s break down each of the steps.

Step 1: See the Signs of Anger

Anger is sneaky.

If you don’t know what to look for in yourself and your partner, Anger can ambush you with catastrophic results. That’s why it is so important to be able to identify Anger early as it is growing and developing.

Catching Anger early makes it easier to control.

Think of it as a forest fire in your relationship. In the beginning, it’s just a small flame that you can easily put out with a cup of water or a handful of dirt. But as it grows if it is not dealt with early it becomes a raging inferno that consumes everything in its path.

You can catch her anger early by looking at four different signs that Anger is building in your relationship. As you read about each type of sign, identify what this would look like in you and your partner. Being as specific as possible will make it easier to catch and control.

Physical Signs

These are signs that happened to you biologically that you do not control. When you think of physical signs think about things like increased heart rate, feeling hot or flushed, a lump in your stomach, tension in your neck and shoulders, or other physical manifestations.

Behavioral Signs

These signs are actions that you are taking that others can observe. Think about what someone would see in a video when you are getting angry. How are you and your partner acting? Are you talking louder? Pacing back-and-forth? Are you using your hands while you talk or are you silent and avoiding eye contact? All of these are behavioral signs that Anger may be building inside you or your partner.

Emotional Signs

This type of sign is best described as one-word answers to how you feel. Frustrated, disrespected, unloved, dismissed, controlled, belittled. These are just a few of the emotions that you and your partner may be experiencing as your anger builds. These types of signs Are typically more difficult to identify in our partner, but maybe verbalized by our partner when they say things like:

“ You don’t care about me.“

“You never listen.”

“You just care about yourself.”

Mental Signs

Last, mental signs are what we tell ourselves inside our heads about ourselves, others, or the situation. Last, Mental signs are what we tell ourselves inside our head about ourselves, others, or the situation. Examples of this internal dialogue may include the following:

“ she doesn’t appreciate anything I do.“

“He only cares about himself.“

“This happens every time we talk about us.“

Now that you’re able to identify the signs that anger is escalating in your relationship it is time to take a look at what steps you can take to reduce or eliminate that anger.

Step 2: Take Immediate Action

Hope is not a strategy.

Waiting for the other person to realize what’s going on or relying on them to manage our emotions is ineffective at best and destructive at worst.

Actions that you can take when you or your spouse are struggling to control your anger fall into two primary categories: individual actions and couple actions.

Let’s take a closer look at both of these categories.

Individual Actions

Actions that you can take individually would include things like:

Taking a deep breath
Telling yourself it’s not a big deal
Stepping away from the situation
Listening to music
Going for a walk
Petting your dog
Talking with a friend
If you’re thinking that all of these suggestions sound nice, but they won’t work when you or your partner are angry and in the middle of an argument, you’re right! The steps are designed to reduce your anger when you catch it early.

When Anger has already escalated and The signs of toxic Anger mentioned earlier in the article are present more drastic actions are required like:

Getting out of the house

Call in law-enforcement

Calling a friend or family member to come to get you

Locking yourself in a safe room or space

Call the domestic violence hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)

For more information about dealing with domestic violence go to https://www.thehotline.org

Couple Actions

Teamwork is key.

Individual actions only take us so far in managing and controlling anger in a relationship. The most effective actions are taken as a couple to safeguard and protect our relationship.

Here’s a list of actions you can take as a couple:

Focus on what’s happening with you and avoid blaming your partner
Reassure each other that you love and care for each other
Choose the right time together to talk about difficult issues
Be supportive, ask questions, listen actively

Taking these actions not only reduces anger at the moment but will prevent further damage to the relationship.

Now that you can see the signs of anger in your relationship and take immediate action to reduce the escalation, it is time to take a little responsibility.

Step 3: Own Your Anger

It’s time to man (and woman) up.

Anger is what we do, not who we are. It is not a biological trait that we have which we have no control over. Anger is a learned behavior and can be controlled. But controlling anger requires taking responsibility for our actions.

Actions taken during an argument by both of you may have led to escalating anger in the relationship, but only you can take responsibility for your anger.

Taking responsibility men’s admitting and verbalizing the actions and words that you used while you are angry. It may also include an apology for what you have done to hurt your partner, regardless of what they have done in anger towards you.

Remember, this four-step process is not meant to be used if domestic violence is present. If your partner is physically and verbally abusive, you should take action to protect yourself. I am not advocating that you go back into an abusive situation to take responsibility or apologize.

Taking responsibility for our actions often signifies to the other person that we understand what we did, how it impacted them, and what it cost our relationship. Understanding the damage caused is critical to healing the hurt and preventing future anger.

Step 4: Plan for the Future

Planning is the key.

As a couple, we need to come up with a plan that will help us stamp out anger in our relationship early and allow us to maintain healthy communication. This leads to faster resolution of issues in the relationship and greater relationship satisfaction.

Your plan is unique to your relationship.

There are some common elements that you should include in the anger plan to make it as effective as possible.

Here are some suggestions of items to include in your plan:

Identify your goals individually and as a couple. What is the outcome you want instead of Anger?
Avoid getting caught up in the blame game. Practice communicating without saying the word “you.“
Implement a time-out if things get too heated. Discuss what each person will do during that. And when you come back together.
Learn and practice relaxation techniques together. This will not only build skills but also promotes teamwork.

Write out the plan and post it somewhere visible for you and your spouse. Periodically review the plan with your spouse and discuss ways to improve the plan by adding or taking out steps.

Last, agree to get help if you find you’re unable to control the anger in your relationship.

How Can I Get Help If I Can’t Do It On My Own?

Uncontrolled anger destroys lives.

Despite your best effort, sometimes anger is beyond our ability to control on our own. It may have become such a habit Or is linked to a past trauma that is so strong and happens so quickly that is difficult or impossible to control.

Signs that are linked to a past trauma that is so strong and happens so quickly that is difficult or impossible to control.

Signs that your anger you are not able to control your anger include:

You have tried repeatedly to control your anger with little or no success.
Your anger escalates so quickly that there is no time to implement control techniques.
Your anger is verbally or physically abusive.
Your anger is costing you time, money, or relationships.

There are a variety of resources to assist you in learning to effectively control your anger depending on your needs, time, and money.

Individual Counseling

The gold standard for anger management is individual counseling because it provides an individual approach with a licensed professional. Depending on your insurance provider, you may be able to use your health insurance plan to cover the cost of treatment minus any deductibles, co-pays, or co-insurance fees. A quick search of any search engine will provide a wide variety of counseling options. If you would like to search by filters such as proximity, insurance provider, or therapeutic approach, I would suggest using one of the mental health databases below which are the most popular.

https://psychologytoday.com https://goodtherapy.org

Anger Management Classes

The next best option is anger management classes that may be available in your area or online. Again, a simple search on the internet can yield a variety of options both in-person and online. Another option would be to check out local events on one of several online platforms such as those listed below.

https://eventbright.com https://facebook.com

Primary Care Manager/Physician

Medical professionals have a wide range of resources at their disposal and often have established relationships with local providers who offer anger management counseling or classes. You may be able to contact your provider over email or text and ask for a referral.

Your physician can also evaluate to determine if you would benefit from medication. This is often overlooked because it is seen as a temporary or band-aid solution. Sometimes, this is a good option to “calm the storm” until therapy can be scheduled.

Whatever option you choose, addressing your anger is essential to maintaining a healthy happy relationship.

You Can Control Your Anger

I hope this article has answered your question about anger and provided some valuable tools that you can use in your relationship.

Until next time…

Palmetto Therapist